Pushing Through Cotton

ADHD is not my friend

At the time of this writing, I am as yet undiagnosed with any sort of learning, cognitive, processing, or other disorders. By the time this is published, all that may change. 

To begin at the beginning, there's something wrong with my brain. For a long period of my life, sheer intelligence and personality were enough to get me where I was going, at least through high school. The usefulness of these things, being without the sharpening aspect of giving a damn or struggling, barely got me through college.

After college, I got married and got a job as a police dispatcher. 4.5 years later, I quit that job to pursue teaching. 

At all times, aspects of my personality have gotten me in trouble. 

I've had a lot of problems managing my finances. I tend to go in for impulsive purchases, or buy into another hobby (I am particularly bad about this when it comes to miniature war games.) Tiny soldiers, machines of war, terrain, tools, paint, you name it, I bought it. Sometimes I have multiples of supplies because I couldn't remember buying a new one the last time I was in the store.

I'm flaky. I make social plans and break them constantly. I'm bad about that, and I know it. I get excited to see my friends, to go to the game store to play a game, out to dinner, etc., and the day of, it suddenly seems like a hassle, and I don't even like going out anyway, and I'd rather stay in. Plans cancelled.

Sometimes I double booked plans, too.

I lack follow through. I make plans for the things I want to do, the hobbies or ideas I want to pursue, and then never do it. Or, I study it with obsessive intensity for days, weeks, perhaps even a month, make a purchase, use the tool or tools a few times, and then they gather dust. Woodworking, beer brewing, painting, guitar, YouTube, Twitch, the list goes on. 

I forget to do chores I said I would do.

I forget to make phone calls I need to make.

I procrastinate.

I make excuses.

We get angry at each other because I am unable to make good on the plans or promises I've made, and our marriage suffers. The baby cries for longer than she needs to because I can't break myself away from the thing that just came up and it will only take a minute.  

I am tired. I am tired of struggling against my inability to sit down and do the thing I was meant to do. I'm tired of writing with intent and that intent wandering off in the middle of it. I'm tired of making mistakes and forgetting to do what I need to do.

I'm tired.

At night, it's a toss up between falling asleep and running the same 5 seconds of a song over and over in my head. Sometimes the soundtrack will be on repeat for days, even a week or more. 

Sometimes I can't understand what someone is saying to me as they're speaking. 

I share this with you not to say that I am struggling more than anyone else in the world or to make excuses for my poor choices or behavior at times, but to share with you the struggle I am experiencing as we seek to make my life (and thereby the lives of my family) better.

I am excited about the possibility of some answers for the difficulties I've had in my life, when it comes to the above mentioned problems, among others. I am excited to start a new chapter in my life.

Most of all, I'm excited that we may have some answers that will lead to me having more focus on the various projects I undertake, in particular, my writing career.

Here's hoping.